It was my 39th birthday at the beginning of last month. I love my birthday. I love the birthday wishes, the smile when someone finds out it is your birthday, how everyone is extra nice to you. The weeks leading to my birthday, I go through a time of reflection because I am another year older, have goals and am driven to accomplish them. Every year, I’ve felt like I have been exactly where I want to be … 35, 36, 37, 38. 39 was different. My children are healthy, my husband doesn’t hurt me, I love my family…I should be happy, right? The problem was how I felt about myself.
Five years ago, I left a full-time career for a life where I could stay at home raising my kids, work part-time and be an entrepreneur. Each year I’ve worked hard getting closer to this goal, figuring out how to be a mom, finding steady part-time work, starting this blog and launching a lucky envelope business. I’m am so blessed to finally be here. Instead of feeling accomplished, my mind is filled with time I can’t find in the day to help my daughter in math so she can get to her grade level, work projects I can’t work on because I’m part-time and how this is stunting my career growth, being discouraged when the house next to good friends finally becomes available and my husband says we can’t afford it. I’m usually a positive person so it is uncomfortable to have so many negative thoughts.
I was in a place of self-doubt. This time was challenging but it forced me to be present with my thoughts. I was not happy because I lost my purpose for why I stay home with my kids, why I only work part-time, and why I stay up late writing blog posts. I lost my joy.
After a few weeks of thinking and a beach vacation with my sisters, I found my way back to a place of purpose. I am at home raising my daughters and working part-time around their schedules so that I can continue contributing to family finances, while spending the most time with them. I author this blog and launched a business because these are my passions. I want my hard work, obligation, and passion pursuit to be examples to my daughters. There are sacrifices of time, corporate career growth, buying the house next to good friends and I have to be ok with that. Some sacrifices will be harder then others but when I look at the relationship with my daughters, accomplishments on my work projects, and the community surrounding this blog, it is SO much more then ok. I am so grateful.
Cheers to being 39,
The Dumpling Mama xo